Summer time and the waiting isn't easy....

I haven't really posted in a while as I guess I'm trying to get my heart out of my stomach. I also don't know how honest I can be on this blog for others to read, but as I've said in the past, I wish I had not been told what I had been told last November because the news more recently has not been good....I guess I keep asking myself, if there are so many babies needing homes, then why the slow down?....should the orphanages not be in distress with caring for so many babies?...anyhow these are only a couple of questions that I am asking myself....some of the same questions I asked myself before I firmly committed to going through with this....as you all know we are asked to explore our reasons for wanting to adopt...we are questioned inside and out....and then when we finally know we are ready, we hit the road block of really having no control over any of this and really not understanding why the delay, why medicals aren't happening...are these children being referred to other countries? Anyhow while I can appreciate that there are things out of our control, I also don't understand why the agency does not know why the referrals aren't coming in? I know it is an act of faith to go through this journey, but sometimes I wonder if it is so hard, is it really meant to be.....I guess ultimately what I have always wanted was for this process to be more humane....people working together...and yet all I feel is that I'm contacted to update paperwork, and yet it doesn't feel very satisfying to continue to deal with paper work etc. etc.... anyhow as you can imagine there are so many mixed feelings....I am told it will all work out, but at the moment, as I said, I continue to try to get my heart out of my stomach..

....so in terms of what I know....yesterday I mailed off Medical #3....my doctor was able to sign it but had her own concerns with why this is taking so long...it was hard to try to explain to her...she of course is concerned with my stress level and my health...I'm not getting any younger.....but she was able to sign the form...then yesterday I finally got through to the Citizenship office....about 5-6 phone calls...they cut you off when they have too many waiting....anyhow I need to ask for an extension on the Citizenship Part 2 form....for those going this route...Part 1 is issued and Part 2 has a two year expiry date from the date that Part 1 is issued. So I would have to apply for the citizenship of my child before October of this year... Of course that isn't going to happen, so hence my need to extend it. As I told M. and D. not sure if I just happened on an agent that made it all seem more complicated, but she wanted me to give a reason for the delay...and sort of suggested, "taking longer than anticipated" wasn't a good enough reason?? anyhow I will be sending off that letter this weekend and the agency doesn't think this should be a problem as others have just stated that they are still waiting for a referral and then the Part 2 is extended for another year....so that is where that stands.....

...probably why I am feeling so low is because a few weeks ago I did get some info.....was told to "Possibly" anticipate that I might have to update the homestudy...it expires in October...and as you can appreciate...if i would have to do that, that means there will be no referral all summer long and into the fall....there are some issues that have come up, at the Vietnam side that D. doesn't think should be a problem, but "might"....and she's hoping that I won't have to update the homestudy, but "might"....this is the part where I still can't accept that....and what has got me very down ...so from being told last November that the referral should come within three months "if all goes well" to now being asked to come to terms with facing the possibility that I might not get a referral until after October?? requiring updates on more paperwork....has left me tongue tied and very very sad.....so still not sure if I'll post this but if you're reading it then I have....

....one little nibble of news that is good, but again one that I'm not sure I can really hang on to as other nibbles have gone by the wayside.....is that it will "most likely" be a boy....so I find myself trying to trust in that news but also cautiously not trust in it too.....anyhow am trying to find courage in others who have gone before...one family who is arriving back tomorrow has had a much rockier road than mine, so I try to find strength in their courage to persevere and have faith that it will all happen, and that I will be a mom and that there is a little boy in Vietnam waiting for my arms, and waiting for us to become a family....

....as friends have said, this will be my last summer as a single person so I should enjoy it.....as I mentioned in the beginning of this long post...I have been working on getting my heart out of my stomach and trying to look forward...

...it is a beautiful sunny day here in Ottawa, Italian week is beginning and I have been invited to the gala dinner tonight...my first.....